


Infinite (Destiel)

by hannrose



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-02-25 04:47:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2609069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannrose/pseuds/hannrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Castiel Novak's death, his boyfriend Dean copes with it by reliving their lives together from the moment they met from the moment that Cas said goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

For the past week, Dean Winchester entered the hospital with a new set of flowers, a change of clothes, and less sleep than the day before. He couldn't sleep knowing the person he loves is dying. Everyday, he collected the courage to go into room A47 and hold his lover's hand. Watched as the color left their body, the sickness killing their cells.

Ever since Castiel had got the call from his doctor, Dean had to cope with the fact Castiel had cancer, but now that he's dying right in front of him, his bravery from the past year is being knocked down. 

He lived to see the smile on Castiel's face every day, and even if it is just a tiny lift of the corner of his mouth, he feels okay. That's how Cas' smile is these days, he doesn't have enough energy to really smile, like he used to.

So, Dean would sit there next to him, watching movies with him until he fell asleep, telling him stories that Castiel has forgotten about, or playing card games with him. He would take a break for lunch, and that's when he started to speak to Sam, his little brother. Dean wouldn't have shedded a tear before walking into the hospital, for Castiel's sake, but when Sammy would answer the phone, he broke down. No one in the lunch room would look at him oddly, they would pass by him with a smile, because they were either nurses, doctors, or visitors, and they all knew what it's like to be in that hospital.

Sam had two thoughts whenever Dean called, either Cas was dead, or he was in so much pain that Dean was dead inside. He never missed a call, he never complained, because he's felt that pain, with his ex-fiancé Jessica. But she had a quick death, at least a quicker death than Castiel.

After lunch, Dean would go back to the room, and he picked up on what he was doing with Cas before hand. On Castiel's final day, they were watching whatever was on the television at the time. He took his finale laugh, and with a shortness of breath, he whispered Dean's name, and then his body sank into the hospital bed. His heart stopped beating, his lungs stopped working. 

In that moment, Dean didn't cry. He didn't call Sam. His reaction was take whatever was destroy the room. Dean pushed over the bedside table and took the books from the bookshelf, throwing then to the ground one by one.

Then, when he found what he was doing is pointless, he just crawled into a ball, and started to think of the better times. When his heart didn't feel it was being stabbed by daggers.   
_______  
May, 2003

"This is the friend I was telling you about." Jessica said to Dean. "You'll love him, he's absolutely adorable!"

Jessica was wearing a dress that ended below her knees, so tight that it was almost impossible to cross her legs, and the sleeves were lace, that begun where the black fabric ended on her chest. She put together a dinner party at the nearest, fanciest place that her and Sam could afford. Olive Garden.

Jess only invited one person, and Sam only invited Dean. Sam said it was the perfect amount, because these two are the only ones who really need to know. Dean had an idea about what the announcement is, and he was really excited for Sam. 

Jessica got up from the table and walked up to a man wearing a black suit and a blue tie, that is a lot darker than his eyes. He looked like he belonged in a suit, his hair color matched the fabric, his facial expression looked intelligent and serious. That broke when Jess tapped his shoulder.

He smiled, and picked up Jessica by the waist, so he could hug her and spin her around. "You've been ignoring my calls all week, why?" The man said, putting Jessica down.

"Oh, school and work." Tonight was the night she decided to wear flats, so she had to stand on her toes to whisper into her friend's ear.

Jessica and her friend walked to the table, Jess pointing at Dean and describing, in a hushed tone, "That is Dean Winchester. Mechanic. From what I hear, great kisser. Oh, and his love for his family is his greatest flaw. He and Sam have this codependency thing, I don't know."

When they sat down, Sam spoke up, "Dean this is Castiel Novak, Jessica's friend. He wants to study the stars for a job."

Jess nudged his arm, "There's a word for that." She thought to herself for a moment. "It's- It's uh- Oh come on, Sam, you should know this!"

Sam rolled his eyes, and Castiel just smiled at the two of them. "I want to be an astronomer. What about you, Dean, any life goals?"

"No, not yet." Dean rested his back on his seat, his arms crossed, his foot tapping on the floor, and he just stared at Castiel. He looked embarrassed, his checks turned red and his eyes went to the floor almost immediately. 

Sam and Jess exchanged whispers about how they should say it now. Jessica stood up, pulling her dress down and said, "I have an announcement. I found this out a week or so ago, but I wanted to make sure. Sam and I have been engaged for a few months and-" Jess looked at Sam, who also dressed up for the occasion. He wore the formal suit he wants to wear at his wedding. "Sam, maybe you should say it."

"Jessica is with child." He stood up, kissing her on her check.

Dean knew it was coming, but he was still surprised. A baby, an actual human being, smaller than his tires on his car. Castiel looked at him, "You're going to be an uncle, Dean. Lighten up. Maybe something good will come out of it for you."

"Maybe something will." Before getting up, he said to Sam, "Congratulations, brother." He smiled, taking his hair out of his face.

They didn't talk about the future that much, but what they did talk about was the past. Dean didn't mind Cas at all, they become friends quickly. 

Dean told a story about how Sam dressed up as Batman for a Halloween one year and broke his arm by jumping off of a tree. "Only because you did it first!" He replied. Which was true, Dean dressed up as Superman and landed on his feet, celebrating himself. Then he watched his brother dislocate his shoulder, falling on it as hard as he could in that moment. Sam was rushed to the hospital after Dean used the motel's phone they were staying in.

"Everyone knows, Batman can't fly!" Dean argued, making Sam laugh.

It was more of Jess and Castiel that shared their life stories. Jess grew up in a small town in Nebraska, her mother is Penelope Moore, a doctor at the local hospital in her home town, and her father is Chuck Moore(The pen name of Carver Edlund), a writer who has written a few of Castiel's favorite books. "The 'Fallen' series is your father's best works," He said, "The topic of angels falling from heaven, losing their grace, is magnificent. How did he come up with it?" Jessica shrugged, "It just came to him."

Castiel, born to Mark and Tessa Novak, grew up normal. He was a pawn on a king's chessboard, following the path that was laid before him. Up until the eighth grade, he got pushed around by taller people. But in eighth grade, he became the tallest person, and then he was stared at like a freak. "I was married once, to a girl named Meg Masters. It was for a green card, she lived in Canada her whole life and had a situation that I forgot about. So yeah, I was married, but that's over now. She's actually married to my brother, Lucifer, now."

Jessica and Castiel stared at both Sam and Dean, waiting for them to share. From Jess' expression, Dean assumed that Sam never shared his past with Jess, and maybe that was better than the truth. "We moved around a lot," True. "Our father went mad after our mother died." Also true. "Then, when I was in the fourth grade, he got a job as a mechanic and cleaned himself up." One big fat lie, but Sam played along. He nodded his head slightly, trying not to speak, he's always been a horrible liar.

It was near the end of the dinner, when their plates of pasta and salad were empty, and the waiter had stopped bringing bread sticks because Sam and Dean wouldn't stop eating them, when Jessica asked about Dean and Castiel's love lives. "For being his friend," Dean said, "It seems like you don't know much about him."

"He's a mystery." Jessica said to Dean. He looked back to Cas, who seemed clammed up and was blushing. Sam laughed at Castiel's nervousness. 

Jess looked at him, her eyes widened. Sam shrugged his shoulders, acting like he didn't know what he did wrong. "Dean met a girl yesterday, Joanna Harvell. 'She seems nice'," Sam quoted. "'But I don't want to be with her, you know.' I didn't believe a word he said."

"She's like a little sister I never had. You know, Sam, if we had a sister, it would be much better. I wouldn't have been stuck with you for eighteen years of your life." He joked.

"Shut up." Sam replied. The waiter dropped off the check, her eyes looking at Dean, winking. He smiled back at her, looking her body up and down like he usually does in these situations.

They exited the restaurant, Jess and Sam arm-in-arm, laughing at the stupid joke Sam had told. Dean walked next to Castiel before reaching his car, "Are you really a big mystery?"

He hesitated, "I don't know. I mean, I told you I got married. But, I guess."

"How about we exchange numbers, and I try to break you. Make you an open book." Dean leaned up against his '67 impala, crossing his feet.

Castiel looked down at his, going from his heels to his toes and back to his heels, and smiled at the ground. "You can try."

____  
June, 2014 

"And I did Cas," He whispered to himself, ignoring the nurses and doctors that tried to move him out of the room. Dean started to cry, more than before, "I know you better than anyone."

 

After a hour of Dean sitting there, feeling like his life was over, Sam had walked in. By Jo's tone of voice, Sam knew what to expect. His older brother, existing in a world that has betrayed him, taking his mother, his father, and the one person, besides Sam, that Dean would actually open up to. Sam sighed, remembering what Dean had done with him in April, 2005. He put Sam's arm over his shoulder, telling him that at least he's okay, and Dean dragged his younger, taller brother out the hospital. Sam was a weeping mess, and now, he see's what Dean saw.

Sam grabbed his arm, looking at the empty hospital bed, the covers made and the pillow had been replaced. He hulled Dean into the hallway and passed by Jo, who couldn't look at Dean. "Jo, can I speak to you?" 

Dean was set on a chair while Sam talked to Jo, who's a nurse at this hospital. She never thought she would be a nurse, she thought she would travel across the country on the back of a Harley, her ex would have been in the front. They would get matching tattoos, and they did, which Jo had covered up with her son's name, surrounded by her favorite thing. Jo thought about her ex from time to time, but then she would see her husband, Ash, and she would forget about him. Every memory of him would be whipped away, and it was only her true love, standing there.

Dean wanted to take out his phone and text Cas, not believing that he's really dead. Death is such a stupid thing, in his opinion. Why would it take someone who has so much to live for, when it could take someone like Dean, who was an ass half of the time.

He got up and stumbled towards the door way, holding onto the wall, struggling to stay up. When Dean gave up, his tears had stopped, because there were none left. Sam ran around the corner, picking Dean up before he hit the floor. "Sorry, Dean."

"I was lying to you," he whimpered. "I never expected it to get better." Dean didn't say it, but Sam knew what he was talking about.

"Yeah, yeah I know. But I don't feel like lying to my brother today. Maybe tomorrow, or next week, that'll be the day I lie to you. Today, I'll spare you the details, but it sucks. The pain will never go away, the thought of them will haunt you forever, their laugh will never leave your head, and when you finally forget, something will pop up, and remind you. Then you will... Well, be like you are now." Sam put Dean into the impala, insisting that he can pick up his own car later.

"Thanks, Sam, for the sparing of details, I feel so much better." He said sinking into his seat.

He closed his eyes, and he could hear Castiel's laugh, exactly like Sam had said.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean refused to open his eyes when he got home. "If I open my eyes," He screamed. "Then I will think about Cas because he picked out the furniture, the decorations, hell, he picked out the house. If I open my eyes, it will be one more reminder that he is dead!"

 

Sam nodded his head and walked into the kitchen. Sloppy paintings hung on the wall, a hand turkey, lines that didn't connect, things like that. Sam took a look at Dean, who couldn't be more of a mess on the couch. He cried into the pillow that Castiel insisted on being a decorative pillow, not one to use.  
"Do you want Sarah and I-" Dean cut Sam off. Sam heard Dean's voice, hard to make out due to the tears, "Yeah, she shouldn't see me like this."

 

So, Sam left Dean, his cell phone on the coffee table in arm's reach, the television turned on, low sound, and a peanut butter jelly sandwich in his hands. Dean sat there, nibbling on the sandwich for an hour, turning to lay on right side to watch television. It was a show that he never liked, a show that Cas never heard of, so there was one thing that didn't make him think of Castiel.

 

He stopped crying around three, but his face was stained with tears, already. Dean's eyes were glued to the television-the one thing that he had picked out-which calmed him down. His phone had rung ten times, two from Sam, two times from Ash, one from his father, and the rest from Bobby Singer, his 'uncle'. Dean played one voice mail, and it said, "Dean, you idjit pick up the damn phone! You're making me worried, boy!"

 

But he never answered, and they just gave up. Because even though all of them needed him to speak to him, not for their sake's, for Dean's, they knew that no matter how many times they called, he wouldn't pick up the phone. Dean sat there all day long, scrolling through the channels until he saw something that he's never seen before. He cried once when the two main characters got together, for reasons that can explain itself. When he got hungry, he crawled into the kitchen, and grabbed the first thing his hands grabbed in the fridge. Then, he laid back on the couch, and fell asleep.  
___  
May 10th, 2003

 

"Aren't you afraid it's going to fall on you?" Castiel asked, pointing to the car.

 

Dean was underneath the old rusty car, the creaking worried Cas, but not Dean. He's been fixing it for over a month now, it was a project given to him by Bobby. He worked on it whenever he was bored or couldn't stand having nothing to do. The paint of the car used to be bright yellow, or so Bobby says, and now it's pale shade of yellow, the rust covering every edge of the car, the windows covered in dust.

 

"Nah. In the three years I've been working on cars, not once has one been even close to falling on me." Dean got up from under the car, his shirt stained with oil, his arms and head covered with grease.

"So, Castiel," Dean grabbed a rag and whipped his face, "Have any siblings?"

 

"Yes, four. Gabriel, Anna, who's the youngest, Micheal, and Lucifer. All of them bicker like their cranky old men... And woman. It's mostly Micheal and Lucifer though. They hate each other, we can't even spend Thanksgiving in the same house! We tried one year, but Lucifer threw his drink at Micheal after he called Meg a whore." Castiel handed Dean a bottle of water that's been sitting there since they got out there. It wasn't warm, which Dean had assumed it would be because it's been sitting directly in the sun, but it wasn't cold.

 

Dean took in all he could from the conversation. "Sounds complicated. What's your full name, Cas?" He said after a pause.

 

"Castiel Jimmy Novak." Before Dean could say anything, Cas said, "It was my father's turn to name the child. He was sort of drunk, being left alone in the labor ward with three young children for an hour. My mom didn't question him, and they told me when I went to preschool to not tell other kids my middle name. Eventually, I did, of course."

 

"Castiel Jimmy Novak, I thought you were a mystery. This isn't as much as a challenge as I hoped." They walked into the apartment building, and started to make their way to the third floor.

 

"What do you mean?" He asked, tilting his head as his hand hit the railing.

 

"I ask questions and you answer, and the answer comes with a little story, too." They were on the second floor now.

 

"Well, maybe you're not asking the hard questions." They raced to the third floor, Dean stopping in his tracks when he reached his door.

 

They faced each other, too close for comfort, but neither of them moving. "Okay. Let's see," Dean paused, staring into Castiel's bright blue eyes. His eyes were glowing as they made eye contact, smiling when their breath touched each other's skin. "Sexual orientation?"

 

"N-Not important." Cas stuttered, not breaking the eye contact. For a good solid minute, they looked at each other, seeing how broken their eyes reveal for them to be.

 

Dean unlocked the door, his back still facing it. "Okay. Sure." Castiel walked in, opening the fridge, his hunger taking over. "Make yourself at home, Cas."

 

"Chips, beer, more chips." Cas muttered what his eyes saw. "You have nothing! How do you live off of beer and chips?"

 

"I don't keep my good food in the fridge! I go to Harvelle's every day, that's where I met Jo, and I get a discount. Ellen, the owner, she has a soft spot for me. Maybe one day, I'll take you there." He said, turning on the television. Dr. Sexy MD was on, and Dean couldn't turn it off.

 

"Really? This show is such crap!" Castiel said, taking two beers from he fridge and giving it to Dean.

 

"Oh, and how would you know?" Dean replied, opening his beverage and taking a sib of it.

 

"Gabriel is a doctor. No one hooks up in an elevator, no one says 'Seriously' a hundred times per conversation. No one is in love with anyone! And of course, no doctor anywhere wears cowboy boots to work." Castiel ranted, sitting next to Dean as the commercails started.

 

"It's called fiction, Cas. Speaking of fiction, I remember what you said last night." Dean changed the subject. "Why is the 'Fallen' series a favorite of yours."

 

Castiel smiled, like he was begging to get a chance to speak about it. "Okay so, it's about two brothers. Dean and Sam Wessen. Let's skip the name choice for a second, shall we?" Cas said before Dean could raise a finger. "They hunt these monsters, like vampires and demons, oh, and the king of hell himself! They save the world, and I, at first, had no idea why it was called the 'Fallen'. But then, I got to the fourth book, and there was an angel, Gradeel. He and Dean had a connection, a connection that angels and humans shouldn't have. So, Gradreel fell from heaven, for Dean."

 

Despite the fact that Dean found it interesting, he said something about the names, "So, why Sam and Dean?"

 

"Really? That's all you're going to say? Anyways, I have no idea, I am not Carver Edlund." Dean sat there for a moment, wondering what to say next. Castiel was obviously passionate about the series, Dean can tell because Cas' arms were crossed, he was putting all his energy into ignoring Dean.

"Maybe tomorrow you and I could meet up at Harvelle's and you could lend me the first book."  
Castiel's face brightened. "Really?" He said, but this time, his voice was filled with cheer.

 

"Yeah, really." They sat in silence for a minute, watching as a new nurse was introduced on Dr. Sexy MD. Nurse Riley, the sexy yet bipolar nurse, who's a young twenty something who just got out med school.

 

"I should get going. Class is in three hours and traffic can be horrible sometimes." Castiel said, still smiling. Dean walked him to the door, "Can we eat at three? When I don't have class I like to sleep in."

 

"Yeah, that would be good, Cas." They said goodbye and Dean closed the door, his smile almost as bright as Castiel's.  
____  
June 23, 2014

 

Dean pulled himself off the couch, laying on the floor for a quick second, wishing his eyes would stay closed. The clock read twelve o' one-or was it twelve o' two-a.m. He lifted himself up and walked into the bedroom, opened the closet, and took out a book. Dean grabbed a post it note from the dresser and a pen from the floor, and wrote:

 

'Castiel = Gradreel  
Dean Winchester = Dean Wessen'

 

He softly put the note on the cover of the book, the finale one in the 'Fallen' series. 'The Deadly' it was called, and in the book, Gradreel had died, leaving Dean Wessen heartbroken, feeling like his world had shattered.

Honestly, that's what Dean Winchester was feeling at the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's short. But hey, short chapters are sweet and simple, right?


	3. Chapter 3

Before bed, Dean dared himself to clean his fridge of alcohol. He had seven and fell over, breaking the glass bottle on the floor on impact. Dean didn't get up, he laid there, all his feelings from before flooding back to him. He closed his eyes, and imagined Castiel walking out of the bedroom, picking him up from the ground and then carry him to bed. Cas had washed Dean's face and dressed him in the clothes he would sleep in if he had the energy, and then, they fell asleep next to each other, cuddling, being happy like the previous year hadn't happened.

Dean liked his dreams. He could be happy. Castiel wouldn't have cancer, Dean's mother wouldn't have died, and Sam would be married to Jess. Everyone would be happy, no one would feel pain, and the world would be a better place.

For a moment, Dean smiled, thinking about his impossible world. Then, reality came back to him in a violent storm, when thunder struck outside. When that happened, he remembered what happened to Castiel, he remembered the fire that killed his mother, and he remembered Jess. He thought about the death that surrounded him, and he thought about the people around him that have gotten hurt.

It would have been better if it was you, Dean, no one cares if you live or die now, he told himself. Maybe it was a lie, maybe it was true, but at the moment, he didn't care. He just wanted to sink into the couch and cry, ignore his hunger and ignore his thirst, he just felt like crying.

So, that's what he did. He cried for an hour, and another, and then one more, then the tears stopped coming. Then, Dean had made a sandwich and poured some water into a glass. 

Dean thought about calling Sam, who would appreciate the check in, but he took a walk instead. The neighbors waved to him, and tried to speak to him about Castiel, about how they loved his personality and how they will really miss him. But, he walked past them, regretting going on the walk, and he wanted to turn back. He convinced himself that fresh air was good for a crying soul.

____  
May 11th, 2003

"Dean." Jo said when he entered. He was early, about thirty to forty-five minutes early. 

Jo was wearing a navy blue crop top and short shorts. Her belly button showed, and so did her arm tattoos that didn't go below her elbows. She had a nose ring, and the tips of her blonde hair was dyed red. Jo shifted her wait to one side, her arms crossed as two of her fingers held onto a beer.

"Hey, Jo. Missed you yesterday." He shifted towards the bar, but Jo stopped him.

"You said you would call me. Do you know who my boyfriend is? He owns a knife collection, he could skin you alive!" She practically screamed, her eyes widening.

"Whoa, a little emotional about one night, aren't you?" Dean said the wrong thing, and he knew because Jo got closer. She whispered in his ear, "I was supposed to be with him, you know. But then you walked in and towards dawn, you took me to your place. I can't lie, it was wonderful. But now I am lying to him, the next bigger than the one before. So tell me, it wasn't a big deal."

"It wasn't a big deal?" He said, sliding to the seat next to him.

"You son of a-" Jo raised her hand, her grip on the beer getting tighter. Intending to whack Dean in the head with it, wanting him to bleed for his lies, she said, "Sorry, Dean."

"Jo, what did I say about Dean Winchester?" Ellen Harvelle, Jo's mother and the owner of the store, stopped Jo right before she was ready to strike.

"That he is our most valuable costumer and if anything happens to him out business will go to crap." She mocked, her voice sounding like an annoyed five year old.

"Correct." Ellen said, looking over at Dean. "Hey, boy, I thought we wouldn't see you today. You skipped breakfast."

"Well, I'm meeting someone here. Gonna lend me a book." He said, sitting in a booth as Ellen walked to him.

"You? Reading? That's rare." Dean told Sam, he told Jess, and now he's told Ellen. All three of them said the same thing.

"Why does everyone think that I don't read?" Dean grunted, Jo chuckled in the background. "IT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T." She screamed.

"YES I DO!" He liked to think that he was a professional at lying. The only time he has read is because of school, and school's been done for years now. He picked up a book one time after getting out of school, and that was when Sam gave him a book a year ago for his birthday, but he didn't even get halfway through it.

For the rest of the forty minutes, he talked with Ellen. She was telling him about her crazy customers, and all Dean could talk about was Castiel. "You know, Castiel has a personality that Jo couldn't resist." he would say, or, "Castiel has the bluest eyes, they're like the ocean when it's clear."

 

The door opened, and Castiel walked in. His black hair blown to one side due to the wind, and he smiled once seeing Dean, clutching onto the book he held in his hand. He quickly walked over to Dean, and placed the book on the counter when he sat down.

"Hello, Dean." He was ecstatic. His smile was bright and he couldn't stop moving. "Okay, so this is called 'The Dead'. It's mainly about Sam and Dean, their quest for finding their father and it focus more of their past than any other book in the series."

Dean, wanting to keep Cas in this mood, opened the book to the first page and started to read, "Dean broke into the back window, crawling into it. He tripped over the rug that was placed in front of it. Dean heard the creaking of steps getting louder-"

"Don't read it in here!" Cas yelled, taking the book away from him. "You need to enjoy it by yourself, or your experience won't be the same as mine."

"Okay then, picky. I'll order us some food, and the menus are not needed."

_________  
June 23, 2014

Maybe it was that he was tired of doing nothing, or that he finally gave up hope, but Dean got up and took a shower. He got dressed and watched television for an hour. He checked his voice mail, listening to his friends apologize for his loss. Jo had called, saying that she knew how painful it was to watch Castiel die. Personally, at the moment Dean didn't care if they actually meant it, but he was convinced that every bit of it was a load of crap.

Around noon, he drove to the Roadhouse. Cooking was not an option for him because, a) he didn't know how to cook, and b) Castiel would always cook. Dean walked in, and all eyes looked to him. Everyone there knew him, Bela, Benny, Gordon, Victor, and many more, but none of them felt like disturbing him. By the look in his eyes, they could tell that he didn't want to be bothered.

Ellen didn't give him a warning, she just hugged him. "We've been worried, boy." Dean hugged back tightly, because he needed this. He needed someone to hug him. "Cas- Cas is okay. He's not in pain anymore, and although you don't believe in God or heaven, he did. So, even if it's not real, he is in heaven."

"Yeah, I know." Dean said, fighting back the tears. "If anyone deserves it, it's him."


	4. Chapter 4

Ellen gave him a cheeseburgar with two patties, two peices of chese, lots of onions and tomatos, and two buns. Fries were on the side. The whole meal was free, and though he was thankfull for her genorosity, he didn't feel like being pittied.

He watched the football game as he finished his meal, everyone's eyes wandering to him once in a while. Of course, Dean knew, 'cause when people watch you it's hard to ignore that feeling. Bela Talbot sat next to him, and she wasn't compleatly awkward with him like he had gussed.

"Hi, Dean." She said, her arms instantly wrapping around Dean's kneck. Bela's chin rested on his shoulder as he tightened the hug.

"Bela." Dean said, breathing in her one hundred dollar rose perfume that was given to her as a gift from one of her flings in Paris. He wasn't found of the smell. But, he held his smile as she gave him space.

"You are a strong man, Dean." She said, taking the seat across from his. "Very, strong."

"I don't know what you are talking about." Dean said, as Ellen came around with another beer.

"Cas died like, one, two days ago? I would be a mess if I lost Andy. Who, is taking me to a concert this weekend. We have an extra ticket, want to-" Dean cut Bela off.

"No, I don't want to go to a concert. I would rather be alone, but thank you, Bela." Dean sighed, playing with the glass bottle. He passed it to the left hand then to the right, repeating it. That was what he was focusing on, not the conversation, not the music.

He was focused on the television, which was playing a commercial about a remake of a movie. Devour, a movie Dean saw with Castiel.

____  
August, 3rd 2003

It took Dean two months and an amout of days he didn't feel like thinking about, to read five books that have six hundred words each. He would never read that much unless it would benifite him, and at first, that's why he was reading the series. But then he started to read it, and it got interesting.

Dean Wessen is the oldest of two from the Wessen family. Mary Wessen had died in Sam Wessen's nursery on his six month birthday, leaving John Wessen striving for revenge. Twenty years later, Sam had run off to college and found a girl he felt like being with forever, Madison. When John had dissapeared, Dean went looking for Sam, and he had convinced him to leave college and run off with him to hunt the thing that killed their mother, while killing other monsters on the way, and as they do that, try to find their father. Dean, the real one, found the whole thing complicated. He read it anyways, and was shocked with the author had killed off John at the end of the first book.

So, he continued to read it. He made it through the death of Sam and Dean, and of course, no matter how hard he tried, he did cry once or twice. Dean read through the love story of Gradreel and, well, Dean. Then, in the fifth book, he read through the death of Sam(once again) and Gradreel, who forgot the touch Dean when he went into this suicial plan of his. Of course, Sam was brought back to life, but not Gradreel. He was dead, for real, and there was nothing for Dean to do. Him and Sam continued to hunt monsters, and the author ended it with them driving off into the open road.

As he got to the end of it, Dean Winchester couldn't cope with that ending. He ran to his computer, sliding into his chair so fast it almost tipped over. Dean typed in 'The Fallen Series' and hoped that Jess' father would be publishing more books. There was an artical written about the series, and what Dean found out was, when Carver Edlund writes 'The End' he really means it.

So, Dean called Castiel, who did not pick up the phone. "Cas, I've finished the last book. Call me."  
After no answer, Dean picked up the book again, hoping for the last page to expand and produce more pages that will make the ending that Dean wants. "It would happen if I was in the series." He said outloud, with no one around to hear him.

About an hour later, there was a knock on the door. Dean got up from his couch, setting the book on the table behind him. He opened the door, and Cas stood there.

"Oh, hi. I didn't know you were coming over, Cas." Dean was suprised that Castiel was standing in front of him.

"I thought about calling, but traffic can mess up my head sometimes." Castiel walked in and shivered, "It's freezing in here, Dean. Open windows won't kill you." Cas walked to each window, opening each one.

"I like it in here, just to let you know." Castiel shrugged, sitting on the couch awkwardly. He played with his hands, looping his pointer fingers together, and his knees went up and down. "So, why are you here, Cas?"

"Well, uh, we can have a book disscusion. Speaking of books, I would like mine back. Uh, and," Cas took a deep breath, like oxegyn built up his confidence. "Would you like to see a movie? There is this new thriller movie that came out a week ago."

"Devour? Yeah, I've actually wanted to see that movie." Castiel sighed with relife, and then they exchanged smiles.

Dean grabbed the book and threw it to Castiel, who jumped in suprise. He ran to the door, opening it for Castiel, "You may go first, kind sir."

"Thank you." Cas said, the book wrapped around in his arms.

 

During the movie, Dean had gotten extremely bored. He started to throw popcorn at Castiel, trying to have a piece rest perfectly on his head or, once Cas got into it, they tried to get it in his mouth.  
Eventually, they got shushed by the lady three rows in front of them.   
Dean and Cas sat in the way back, having three vacant rows in front of them. The 'shut-up-I'm-trying-to-watch-a-movie' woman sat in the next row, with two other people, one might be her romantic interest(Dean just assumed because his arm is around her shoulder) and the other her friend, sister? Then there was another vacant row, and five people sitting in the row in front of it. All covered in tattoos, two of then had piercings, and the rest of the seats were empty.

At the movie's end, Castiel dragged Dean out of the theater. Cas bolted out the doors, almost making Dean bash his head on the metal doorway. "What's going on, Cas?"

"I'm not very fond of people with lots of tattoos. They sort of scare me." Castiel said, rubbing his bare forearm in embarrassment. 

"Oh, really? Because I'm planning to get a whole sleeve of tattoos on both arm. Then, my legs. On my twenty fifth birthday everything, but my head and neck of course, will be covered in tattoos. Then, I'll start with piercings." Dean joked.

"Don't, Dean. Do you know how much money that would be? Also, I wouldn't hang out with you as often." They got into the car, and Dean leaned over his seat, his left hand supporting him by being on the wheel.

"Oh yeah, and why is that?" Dean said in a quiet voice, making eye contact with Castiel. "You wouldn't be scared of me, would you?"

Cas sat there for a moment, examining Dean, his facial features, his green short sleeve t-shirt that revealed his muscles, and his eyes. Dean thought Castiel had the most delicate and beautiful blue eyes he's ever seen. Where Castiel think that Dean's eyes deserve to be seen by the whole world, because not even the starts can compare to the shade of green that he sees in his dream.

Castiel didn't respond.

He was kissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note: I don't hate people wih lots of tattos. My dad has lots of tattoos.
> 
> Although, if you have like, 15 piercings on your face, that might make me scared.


	5. Chapter 5

July 6th, 2014

The funeral was organized by Sam. The food, the place, the time, and the guest list. But, all of that combined was not as hard as getting Dean there. First, there was the motivational talk, which made Dean wan't to stay home even more, because Sam isn't the best at convincing people to do things.

When Sam gave up on that, he dragged Dean off of the couch and started to yell. "Dean Winchester, you have been laying on that couch for two weeks." This is starting to sound like the speech Dean gave to Sam. "You are going to march into your bedroom and but that tuxedo on, liking it or not. Then, you will go to the funeral, and put that wall of yours up. You don't even have to speak to anyone, but you are going.

"I know it is hard, Dean, if anyone knows, it's me. But, you have to, for the people who still love you. You have to pull through, for her." Dean knew who he was refrencing to, and he responded with, "Did you tell her?"

"I didn't have to."

Sam manage to get Dean to the graveyard by eleven fifty two. Sarah was already there, struggling to hold Gabriel and Madision in their steady position, before they burst away with energy. To be honest, neither of them knew why they were there, Sarah can actually keep Sam from telling a secret. Just the family members where there: Sarah, Madision and Gabriel, Sam, Dean, and a twelve year old girl.

The twelve year old didn't care about getting her knees dirty, or the dress that her aunt bought her, because Castiel was no longer there to tell her not to do that. Castiel was no longer there to help her control her tears. She was kneeling on the ground, her head in her hands, and the tears wouldn't stop.

Marie Winchester-Novak knew everything was going downhill when her father was admitted to the hospital. The first day she went back to school after being dropped off at Sam's, she was crying, and that was before the hospital. When the teacher asked why, she shared, and the kid next to her said, "Well, he deserves it, being gay and all." She went home, and for the rest of the week, she didn't go to school.

Dean walked over to Marie, placing his hand on her shoulder. She looked up, and stopped crying. "Hi, dad."

"Hey, sweetheart." Marie looked at the stone hedge, which read Castiel's name. Dean knew what she was going to say, "I miss him, too."

_______  
October, 8th

Castiel wanted to call Dean, and tell him that he was sorry. That he was just caught by surprise, and that there was nothing he wanted more than to be kissed by Dean Winchester. It was all true, too. But, he couldn't. He could just hear his father's words in his ears, calling him an abomination, yelling at him that to call Castiel a christen was a sin.

There was also the death of his brother, Micheal, that distracted him. He wasn't invited to the funeral, and he wasn't disappointed, actually. Even if he had been, he probably wouldn't have gone. Maybe he would have, just for his older brother, Gabriel. But, Castiel will never be on good terms with his family.

Then there was Dean. Dean mopped around his apartment, yelling at himself for making a decision that he hadn't thought out. He thought that Castiel hated him for what he did, and that they would never speak again.

Dean's thoughts were wrong.

It was about eight at night when there was a hurried knock on the door. Dean opened it, and saw Castiel, who looked like he had just got beaten up in a alley way.

"Cas! What happened?" Dean asked.

"Remember when, when ah, we were at the movies? And, and there was those tattoo people?" Dean nodded, and he wanted to smile because Castiel was here. In his house. Talking to him. But, he also felt bad, because he knew what Cas was going to say, and this story is all his fault.

"Well, I went to a movie with Jess, who is doing fine. Turns out they are having twins, oh and it's a boy and a girl! At first they didn't want to know, but, it was just killing her-" Castiel stopped.

"Anyways, we went to the movie. Then we left afterwards, and as she and I started to walk to the local diner, two guys from our high school pulled me over. They always found something to beat me up over. Me having glasses in freshman year, me being a perfect attendance student. Or it was my sexuality, yeah, they also got a kick out of that. Until senior year, when they stopped. But this time, it was you.

"They've accepted me, or so I thought, in every way that they can, but they saw me with you." Once again, Dean was filled with guilt. "They were obviously lying to the gym teacher. But, good new is, a girl, the one with the least tattoos in that group, helped me out of there. She even kicked a little butt."

Good news? There is no part of the story where good news is included.

"They left Jess alone, thank god. And the girl hugged me, told me she was sorry, and introduced herself. Meg Masters. She actually doesn't seem that bad, Dean." Cas had eyes of hope, like he always does, but he looked defeated. Torn. There was a bruise on his checks, and a cut on his lip, but his defeated, hope-filled eyes weren't touched.

"If you say so, Cas." Dean said to him, and he felt like giving him a hug. A long one, like in the movies where the two main characters haven't seen each other in months and are finally reunited. Then again, this was reality, but Dean was feeling like they could pull it off.

After communicating with their eyes, Castiel said something that made Dean feel great. "You know, I wanted to kiss back."

Dean couldn't help but smile a bit, "You don't have to lie, Castiel. It looked like you wanted to punch me."

"Oh, Dean. Dean! That's not, that is not what-" He couldn't get the words that seemed important out. It was like his vocabulary was shortened. So, he did the only thing his brain could do in a situation like this.

Like Dean did only a few months ago, Castiel kissed Dean. But this time, both of them were into it. They dove into it, like it was routine. Neither of them thought of this day becoming real, both of them wanted it, both of them dreamed of it. The idea in their heads were that both of them hated the other, which couldn't be farther from the truth.

Dean smiled through a kiss, "I didn't think of this being real," Castiel looked up at him, those bright blue eyes that make Dean weak, and he waited for Dean to continue, "You know, me and you."

"Well, it's not. Not yet."

They weren't planning to rush into a relationship. Not one with a woman, definitely not one with a man. It's not like it was love at first sight, or it's not like Dean knew he was in love the first time he saw Castiel's smile. Cas wasn't in love with Dean when he really took time to study his eyes. Actually, neither of them knew why they rushed into what they did that night, neither of them knew when or how they fell in love with each other. But, it felt right. Like peanut butter and jelly, popcorn during a movie, drinking beer with friends. This thing felt perfect, it felt like it had to happen. The whole thing seemed like it was planned out to be in a cheesy chick flick, but they ignored that. Dean felt stupid, he hated those moments. If it was with anyone else, he wouldn't have gone through with it.

______  
July 6th, 2014

The funeral wasn't set up for Dean to feel better, and if it was, well, it wouldn't be happening.

Person by person, they walked up to Dean. If they were a couple, or a family with a few kids, they would group together and have a whole conversation about Castiel. If they were single, it would be quick and snappy, like they wanted to get to that hot girl who was wearing the slimmest dress she owned to a funeral. But, if it was a five second apology or a ten minute conversation, Dean felt worse and worse every time.

Charlie Bradbury was the last one to speak to him. She had a date, Elouise Ryans, who reminded Dean a lot of Castiel. She had the black hair and the blue eyes, the shy personality but when she opened up she wouldn't stop speaking. "This one is a keeper, Charlie."

Charlie nodded her head, looking at her date who was speaking with Marie and her cousins. "She is really good with kids. We've been dating for," She counted on her fingers. Then she looked depressed, "For about a week after you told me about Castiel."

Dean ignored that fact, "So about a year?" 

"Yeah, about a year." Charlie spoke about Elouise proudly after that, "She is an amazing writer, and singer, oh and she once painted my dog! It was so perfect. God, she is perfect!"

Charlie reminded Dean of himself when he first fell in love with Castiel. 

Wide-eyed.

The constant talk about the other person.

And, the happiness that he no longer has.


	6. Chapter 6

"Can I come home?" Marie asked during the lunch.

They, as in Dean, Sam, Sarah, Marie, Gabriel, and Madision, sat around a round table. Ham sandwiches surrounded the table, and four out of five of them were eating. Dean and Sam drank the beer from the cooler Dean brought in, Sarah was drinking the apple cider, and the three kids were drinking water. People walked by them, not even knowing it was Dean's table, and they were having fun.

"I vote no." Gabriel said.

He and his twin sister Madision grew closer to their older cousin. But Marie wasn't older by much, only by two years. At first, Gabriel had tied her shoe laces together when she wasn't looking, he purposely left the toilet seat up when he knew that Marie was waiting out the door, desperately needing to pee. Then, he ended up seeing what she was really going through.

Gabriel and Madision grew up without their real mom. She died shortly after they were born, and then when they were three, Madision was the flower girl at Sam and Sarah's wedding. They were always fine with not knowing who their real mother is, because Sarah is their real mom.

But, when Marie came to live with them, they needed to know about Jessica Moore. What she looked like, her personality, and what she meant to their father. They didn't have to know about her death.

_____  
January 11th, 2004

On January 1st, 4:36 in the morning, Madision Jane Winchester was born. She was seven pounds, thirteen ounces. It was a few minutes after when Gabriel Dean Winchester was born. He was a whole pound heavier, but he was happy and healthy.

Dean and Cas where called in by Sam. They were holding on to each other's hands, and Jess smiled at them. "I told you, Sam." She said to him.

Sam walked over to Dean, holding Gabriel in his arms. He had bright brown eyes, that might be mistaken for green if not seen closely.

"This," Sam started to stay, "Is Gabriel Dean Winchester." He handed Gabriel over to Dean, who couldn't get over the fact that, technically, his nephew was named after him. Dean was so happy that there were no words to describe it.

He held Gabriel and swayed back and forth. Dean didn't feel like letting him go. Gabriel was asleep in Dean's arms, small, warm, precious.

It was January 11th. Sam didn't have to work, so he stayed home, taking care of Madision and Gabriel. While that was going on, Jess had a day to herself. She went to the mall and bought clothes that made her feel sexy, she got a manicure, and she bought some books that she's wanted to read for a long time.

At four o'clock, Jessica got on the highway.

At four o'clock, a car was driving down the wrong side of the highway, going above the speed limit, and being chased by police cars.

The whole thing went so fast. Jess dialing Sam's number, she was going to tell him that she was on her way back home. It was a few seconds after Sam picked up when the car was in front of Jess. Going above the speed limit. Being chased by the police.

She screamed as it crashed into her, Sam asked what was wrong. When he didn't get an answer, he screamed for her to say something.

Jessica wasn't the only one killed that day. There was a man behind her, Hunter Elkins, he was going to propose to his girlfriend. He had bought a dozen tulips, which were her favorite, and he had set up candles in the apartment and he was planning to make a dinner for her.

But, he never got to get married. He never got to have kids and grow old with the woman he loved. In a instant, he was gone, Jessica was gone. A lifetime of happiness, two lifetimes, ruined. The man who crashed into them had robbed a bank, but he was arrested for more than the robbery.

Sam was anxious for his phone to ring. He waited for what felt like days for the phone to ring. Instantly, he answered, "Hello? Jessica, is that you?"

Sam heard the caller take a deep breath, "Am I speaking with... Sam Winchester?" He said yes, and she went on to say about her death. She said she was very sorry for his lose. But, Sam was tuned out of the conversation by then.

He was getting ready to cry.

When Dean heard about what happened, he was with Cas. They had been spending all of their free time together, which one day it could be just a few minutes, and the other day it could be hours. Both of them always had something to talk about, they never had an awkward moment of silence, and they never grew tired of each other. In the moment, Cas was the center of Dean's world.

They had a relationship that neither of them have had before. It was serious, but there was also heat between the two. For Dean, it was the longest relationship that he's ever had. His relationships haven't lasted longer than a week, but this one had gone beyond a week, above a month. For about three, four months, they've been together.

Dean wanted to be with Cas for the rest of time. He wanted to fall asleep next to him, and hold him until they both drifted to sleep. Then, he wanted to wake up next to him in the morning, and kiss him, just because he can. If he had the holding and kissing with Castiel forever, there was nothing that would make him happier.

But, when Dean heard about Jess, all of his attention went to his brother. He stayed at Sam's for two weeks, feeding his Madision and Gabriel, even Sam himself. Dean helped Sam with cleaning, groceries, his children, and other necesities. Near the end of the two weeks, Cas came to visit.

He couldn't watch Sam suffer. Cas hated just the idea of depression. Sam was allowed to be sad, but Cas needed to get him out of the house. So, Castiel tried to take Sam out to a bar. He refused. Then Dean started to tell Sam that Jess wouldn't want you to be a lifeless sack. "She would want you to get your clothes on and go to a bar with your brother!" Dean said.

The negotiation was that Sam could say when to leave after the hour and a half mark. After hearing that, he started to time it.

Dean and Cas had a fun time. They drank until they couldn't walk in a straight line, they played pool, but not darts because Sam was afraid they might hit someone. They kissed. No one batted an eye. It was amazing, both the kiss and how cool everyone was about it.

Sam ignored when his phone alerted him about the hour and a half mark. He was too busy talking to the bartender, Sarah. Although Sam wasn't as drunk as Dean and Cas, he was still spilling out his life story.

First about his mother's death. Then about his father and his emotional abuse. Also Dean and college and his kids. He started to talk about Jess, and he set his head on the bar. "I just loved her so much," he said.

Sarah took pity on Sam. She gave him a free beer, on the house. "Sam, I don't know what that is like, to lose someone I love the way you loved Jess. But, and I'm sorry for saying this, but you have two infants who need their father. Your brother is right, you need to stop mourning and be the father that she wants you to be."

After that speech, there was no one to drive Castiel or the Winchesters home.

Sam got drunk. Drunker than he's ever been. He couldn't dial numbers on his phone to call his babysitter, he couldn't stand straight without tilting over, and he couldn't walk without falling in five seconds.

But it was the best night he and his brother have spent together since Sam got into law school.


End file.
